<p>The closer and closer it gets to winter I start to wonder about my mood. Perhaps I am just falling, loosely into the abyss of my mind once again. </p>
<p>Could it be back?
I'm talking to myself, depression, suicidal, paranoia, questioning whether I'm awake or asleep, hearing what I think I said, nervous, can it be... it's just worse now...
I can only hope delusion runs short.
Not sure if it has gotten caught on by now, but I am hopelessly invested in the guy in my math class.
We've made it a habit of talking atleast once a class period, mostly because I've turned into a squirmy little school girl around him. He's not some incredibly handsome guy every girl is throwing themselves at, or someone who is thought about twice, well maybe by me, but most people don't really find him attractive.
When I think he might be shy, he turns out to be a bit more bold. The minute I start to lean towards him, we speak. It may be strange of me to think about sex with someone I barely know, but I have high hopes this might work.
I haven't spoken to him yet on a intimate level like I do with most PEOPLE I meet. I guess I'm just tired of being the one to make a move first.
I am tired of being sexy.
Tired of being hot,
Or cute,
Or thick,
A pair of tits,
A piece of ass,
Or long legs.
I want to be beautiful. Rushing anything will just turn the sex switch on with any relationship - even friendship. Everyone is always paranoid about who is crushing on them and what is going on. No thank you...
On the other hand, once it has gotten past the friendship then relationship then intimacy, and onto the inner workings of the sexual couple life, I hope he is perfectly aggressive.
He's in a rush (while we're already intimate) to shove his cock down my throat, grab ontop me, knows what he wants tells me what he wants, and knows when to do it. Not like most others which cannot find that balance - he can turn it off.
A gentleman in the streets, and freak in the sheets I suppose.
But maybe my hopes are too high, my God he's only 21.
I'm fucking tired, and I kinda wanna throw a fit. A big one, I am very sad.
I like this guy, but this other guy says no guy wants to be with someone who is not ashamed of their sexual needs, and are very "sexually revolutionized", [he and I don't agree on the term]. And that annoyed me... a lot.
That most guys don't want someone who is easy, and I never said anything about being easy, I just said I wasn't sexually ignorant. I put my beliefs out in the open when the topic comes up, and I think its acceptable to introduce sex in the beginning of a relationship, but he didn't let me explain.
I do not enter into a relationship with someone I barely know. It takes a minimum of 1 year before I can be intimately involved with them. I need them to know I am a temple, and if I give you a part of myself, its a gift from me to you. This is mine, I get to give it to who I please.
I know my worth.
After being friends with you long enough, and I know what kind of vibe I get from you, or if I'm not sick of your face, then its go time. I want to know YOU. and if you've been through my obstacle than yes, I do prefer to have sex-ish with you now.
Its not simply, "oh yea, sex time now." With everyone I "openly and very casually go out with" no.
So... I can only hope the guy I'm interested in doesn't take a mile once I give him an inch.
Aand, I had an interview I totally blew, and I hope shit is still good... we'll see...
