Hm...

I'm nervous, I'm scared and I'm worried...
What is wrong with me? I feel myself acting out, being strange... what is it about him that I am so willing to give my life to his feet? Can I not control myself? Are my knees too weak to sustain the constant led foot of my heart?

I wake at night, thinking about him, I wake in worries as to whether or not he will like me in the morning. Like a complete opposite, but yet completely the same.... I feel an infatuation of a sort, love is too lovey to simply toss.

We will have to wait and see.

Again

After time and time again I spend the hours with others, others whom I had not planned to be with- those whom became me by some catastrophic mistake.

I yearn to become one, once I've already been two; those who are happy, and those who pretend. Becoming the one who pretends to enjoy my own lonesome weather, after seeing myself as one who did enjoy it.

I'm done.

Cramps

CRAAAAAAMPS!!! I HAVE CRAAAAMPS! I'm going to commit murder!! Killin people, punching babies, fucking shit up, it huuurrrrts!! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shiiiiiit!!!!!!! It hurts sooo much, just fucking kill me!!!  My clothes are at risk, and my sheets fucking hate me!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHGGJGFGDGEXSUEKNDJFHJDHIYWIEQHHI!!!!!!

Strained in symptoms

<p>The closer and closer it gets to winter I start to wonder about my mood. Perhaps I am just falling, loosely into the abyss of my mind once again. </p>
<p>Could it be back?

I'm talking to myself, depression, suicidal, paranoia, questioning whether I'm awake or asleep, hearing what I think I said, nervous, can it be... it's just worse now...

I can only hope delusion runs short.

Hopeful sex life

Not sure if it has gotten caught on by now, but I am hopelessly invested in the guy in my math class.
We've made it a habit of talking atleast once a class period, mostly because I've turned into a squirmy little school girl around him. He's not some incredibly handsome guy every girl is throwing themselves at, or someone who is thought about twice, well maybe by me, but most people don't really find him attractive.

When I think he might be shy, he turns out to be a bit more bold. The minute I start to lean towards him, we speak. It may be strange of me to think about sex with someone I barely know, but I have high hopes this might work.

I haven't spoken to him yet on a intimate level like I do with most PEOPLE I meet. I guess I'm just tired of being the one to make a move first.

I am tired of being sexy.
Tired of being hot,
Or cute,
Or thick,
A pair of tits,
A piece of ass,
Or long legs.

I want to be beautiful. Rushing anything will just turn the sex switch on with any relationship - even friendship. Everyone is always paranoid about who is crushing on them and what is going on. No thank you...

On the other hand, once it has gotten past the friendship then relationship then intimacy, and onto the inner workings of the sexual couple life, I hope he is perfectly aggressive.

He's in a rush (while we're already intimate) to shove his cock down my throat, grab ontop me, knows what he wants tells me what he wants, and knows when to do it. Not like most others which cannot find that balance - he can turn it off.

A gentleman in the streets, and freak in the sheets I suppose.

But maybe my hopes are too high, my God he's only 21.

Sexually adventurous frog

I'm fucking tired, and I kinda wanna throw a fit. A big one, I am very sad.

I like this guy, but this other guy says no guy wants to be with someone who is not ashamed of their sexual needs, and are very "sexually revolutionized", [he and I don't agree on the term]. And that annoyed me... a lot.

That most guys don't want someone who is easy, and I never said anything about being easy, I just said I wasn't sexually ignorant. I put my beliefs out in the open when the topic comes up, and I think its acceptable to introduce sex in the beginning of a relationship, but he didn't let me explain.

I do not enter into a relationship with someone I barely know. It takes a minimum of 1 year before I can be intimately involved with them. I need them to know I am a temple, and if I give you a part of myself, its a gift from me to you. This is mine, I get to give it to who I please.

I know my worth.

After being friends with you long enough, and I know what kind of vibe I get from you, or if I'm not sick of your face, then its go time. I want to know YOU. and if you've been through my obstacle than yes, I do prefer to have sex-ish with you now.

Its not simply, "oh yea, sex time now." With everyone I "openly and very casually go out with" no.

So... I can only hope the guy I'm interested in doesn't take a mile once I give him an inch.

Aand, I had an interview I totally blew, and I hope shit is still good... we'll see...

Newspaper

I'm writing for the college paper and I will be doing interviews and all that lovely mess, but I am really nervous about how everything will go...

I don't want to suck, I also don't know how well of a reporter I am. So far I have been interviewing a couple of people, but it was no good. I couldn't hear them. I tried and tried to be a great interviewer but its like, I don't want to miss quote, and I don't want to be stuck again.

You know how frustrating writers block is? At this point its not really block, it's blank. Could I do this? I'm trying to be something, but I'm afraid what I will do won't provide enough money. I am proud of myself right now, but I'm scared out of my fucking mind. I feel so alone, but I know I'm not.

My mom isn't here right now, but everyday I wake up, and I think of her. I think about what shes doing, I wonder if shes as alone as me. I wonder if she has as many worries about my well being as I do (I'm sure she does) and then I think about her before I go to sleep.

I remember when we were younger and I would climb on her at night, i get these rush of memories from her when I'm breathing the Minnesota air. It is completely different air that swarms my lungs here, different... and I just don't know why.

I'm excited for her to come and visit me, I wish she could come live here with me, but I know theirs no life for her here. She can't go places here, its really selfish of me to want her here, but I need her throughout my life, it's just the beginning of me.

People around me always say, "You have to leave home at some point, you have to go places, you can't be with your mom always.." Fuck you, you fucking hypocrite.

The parents who say this act as if they never see their kids after they move out, but the reality is that they have them over all the time. They visit them all the time, and are always with them.

The kids who say this are worse. My mom is across the country right now, I can't just get up and go see her once a week... or month... I will have to wait, a year, maybe. You all run to mommy and daddy for things, you can even live with them if you need a place to go. Don't tell me about things you don't understand.

Well, I miss her, and I usually have her to tell me it's alright, and tell me I can do it.