still looking...

Right now, I'm still looking for schools to attend next year... I've applied to some, and got accepted, but deep down I know I don't want to go there. What to do, what to do...

I just don't want to settle for shit. like a big pile of shit, it will stink up the dreams I hold, and fester into a life long heart break. If I do what I'm expected to do, I will only hear an ear full of bullshit from people who make those people I love, feel like they're shit now.

For example, I am Mexican, my grandmother and grandfather are from Mexico. My grandma has five brothers and sister, and they each had, like, 5 kids... and those five kids had between 2- 12 kids each. So, my family is fucking huge, and out of all of the people to ever become apart of our clan, 3 people have attended College. Life got in the way with most of my family members, my mother and her 4 brothers came from a drunk mother, and abusive father, with the exception of my mother, never even stayed in the house to see graduation- left to find "love", and began to create the cycle once again.

Now, the family member that i am referring to, happens to have a mother and father, who weren't perfect, but did spoil her. Well, she grew up and went to college, two years after she graduated high school, and will be damned if she doesn't chew out your ear about how much you need to go now.

(Kind of like those people who loose a little weight, and now all the sudden believe they are the new advocates for healthy living, and all things weight related.)

Even worse, she is a school teacher. Now, if you haven't attended middle school in Minnesota before, then let me tell you how ridiculously fucking arrogant, and sorry these teachers are. They believe god had shat them out, and cannot be touched. They can never be wrong, and can never have a student question anything they say. They think they are "cool", "hip", and "in". The most obnoxious thing ever.

Well, she found out i was the last to graduate high-school, (Yes, I am the baby) and ran like the wind.

I understand what she is doing is trying to help me, and trying to look out for me, but the way she approaches me is totally inappropriate.

At my sisters graduation she had seen my friend who was pregnant sitting next to me on the bench, and was just looking at her. Not knowing anything about her, opened her big ass mouth and started asking her questions like if her mom was still with her to help support the baby and her, and if she knew about the effects of being pregnant & young, and all this bullshit. SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HER. No opening small talk, no asking her what her name was, or even talking about the weather, just dived into questions that were none of her business.

My friend is 21 years old, happens to be smaller because she was born with a muscle defect, was, at that time, supporting her mother and younger sister on her own for a couple years already, and was going to school.

How embarrassing for the both of them, and my cousin still doesn't see why she was so wrong in doing that. That's the kind of shit I don't want to deal with if I go to school at the U of M. Hamline is the place I have my heart set on, and i have already applied, but was turned down because they don't think that it is financially responsible for me to attended right now, but would prefer me to transfer over from a community college for at least a year. I didn't exactly know how to feel about that because I wasn't sure on whether or not i should feel rejected, or considered. But i do know that it's not over for me, not by a long shot.

so... I'm still looking, because of how paranoid I am, do I want an online school? ASU have online classes, when you graduate your certificate will not mention online, but as though it were on campus. NYC? If i get accepted, I might not have a place to live, even if there's dorms, always a chance there might not be any room because of how late in the year it is. I can't afford to apply, then not go. 60$ needs to go a long way, so it's like, no matter where i might get accepted, I need to make sure i am sooooo confident in my choice. Any suggestions? of course not...